Too affraid
by loopy-1981
Summary: Xanders fears get the better of him and he looses Angel because of it.


Title: Too afraid  
Author: Loopy_1981  
Feedback: if I beg really nice would I get some :) [loopy_1981@yahoo.com][1]  
page:http://www.geocities.com/loopy_1981  
Archive: if you want it just tell me where it's going :)  
Fandom: Buffy the vampire slayer  
Pairing: Angel/Xander  
Rating: PG  
Sequel: yes it's called regrets this will prolly turn into a series. * any one have any ideas for a series name?*  
Disclaimer: un fortunately I don't own them I would have a lot less time on my hands if I did I would be well "occupied" :) so don't sue me  
Summary: Xanders fears get the better of him and he looses Angel because of it.  
Notes: I had hard time naming this so if the title sucks and u can think of something better then tell me. :)  
  
  
Too afraid  
Loopy_1981

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I slowly open my eyes and take everything in, the feel of his arms around me, how his fingers touch my stomach, his hair tickling my cheek, his lips plastered to my neck like he had fallen asleep while kissing my neck. His scent, I can smell his scent all around me, driving my senses into over drive of ecstasy. His scent is bold, spicy, invigorating, exhilarating, masculine, erotic and completely him. His aroma has the ability to drive me completely wild, taking me to points of pure bliss just by smelling him.

My fingers reach down and touch his hands twisting their way through his, running my thumb across his skin touching him. I feel his nose wrinkle against my neck, his lips draw themselves away from my neck, I hear his tongue slipping out of his mouth to moisten his lips then his lips are back on my neck, kissing, licking, sucking and tasting.

His arms tighten around me pulling me closer to him. He is in between awake and asleep; his body and mind waking up but yet acting so asleep. He tends to mumble things when he is half-awake. Sometimes it's the cutest things, Although 240+Vampires aren't really meant to have cute phases their meant to be evil or something like thatbut not him. I remember this one day he was mumbling about the bunny rabbits in a field. I just thought it was cute that he was dreaming of rabbits in a field. 

"I love you Xander." He whispers as he wakes up for good this time. He kisses my neck again. I'm not sure if it is a vampire thing or an Angel thing but he has a serious neck fetish. 

I roll over so I am facing him, I wrap my arms around him the best I can, pulling him closer to me, holding him for a while, feeling his arms holding me also. Needing to feel this comfort of touch, needing to feel him pressed so tightly against me that the air in-between us, is gone. His fingers run along my back and his lips kiss my forehead. My fingers tangle themselves into his hair resting on the base of his neck as they massage his scalp. Time seems to stand still when I'm in his arms; cliché I know but it really feels that way. And then we gently pull away only so we can look each other in the face. 

"Good morning." I say to him looking into his eyes. 

"With you in my arms it is always a good morning." He leans into me and kisses my lips slightly before pulling away. I pull his face back into my lips making sure I receive a proper good morning kiss, the kind that leaves us both panting for air, in his case unneeded air. I think is a big accomplishment that I can make this guy who doesn't need to breathe pant... I can make him pant and gasp. I pull my lips away from his, our lips lingering for as long as possible. Pulling away so I can actually focus on him. 

I look into his eyes and stare completely at him, my hand reaches up and cups his cheek my fingers trace his cheek bone while I stare into his eyes, stare into him. My other hand reaches up and traces his lips, my eyes move from his to his lips. They're so soft yet firm, so pink despite his vampirism, instantly I think about his smile, his sweet, sexy, happy smile. The one that makes my legs go jelly.

There are so many things about his man, okay vampire. That just totally blow my mind away, that make me hang onto everything about him, forces me to realize I can't live with out himthat I don't want to live with out him. 

My mind has wandered as usual and I'm brought back by the feel of his lips wrapping around my index finger. Sucking, tasting, seducing me. I look into his eyes again, instantly becoming transfixed with them. I force my eyes away from his and they look down to his mouth; I watch his lips as they curl around my finger, while his tongue runs along the edge tracing the shape, feeling the texture of my finger. His lips Smile sheepishly around my finger in a, I'm oh so innocent, look how cute and adorable I am. I'm not really trying to seduce you, I just happen to be seducing you kinda way. Oh and here comes the can we have sex now look. Like I ever resist him. 

He slowly withdraws my finger from his mouth. Making sure to tease it the way he would tease my cock. Once his mouth is off my finger he continues to look in my eyes and says, "I love you so much Xander." 

Instead of saying something back to him I kiss him. Passionately, sweetly, hard. Making sure I try my hardest to take his mind off of those words he has said to me, those words he says to me every morning, those ones I can't repeat back to him. Taking his mind off of it because I know we'll most likely end up fighting again if I don't. When we fight it's always about the same thing, always about why I can't say it, or won't say it. 

Okay I admit I have issues with saying love out loud. I can say it perfectly to my self. I love him, I love him so much it actually hurts sometimes when were apart, I love him so much I feel like I'm going to burst, I can't get enough of him and I never want to. I'm totally crazily, absolutely, in love with Angel, mind, body, demon and soul. There isn't a part about him I don't love. Okay I tolerate the demon or more it's past I don't think anyone can actually love Angelus, but I enjoy it when Angel lets him play, but I know Angel is in control and can take over any moment Angelus gets to playful. I still love it all. 

Every time I try to say it, every time I try to say I love you to him, the words they never come out. I know why I have never told him, fear or reality of when or if I say it to him then the bubble will pop and everything will come crashing down and my perfect little world revolved around him will no longer exist. 

It's what happens all the time I open up and I get hurt, example one: My parents, okay they were the first and only people who were meant to love me unconditionally, but did they everno I was abused my whole life, physically and mentally by my father. I have never heard either of my parents tell me they love me. Never once, instead all I heard was my mother telling me no one would ever love me, this would be where my problems start they didn't love me why would any one else. I told them I was gay a while back and the bruises didn't heal for at least a month. My father told me he wasn't having a gay son and he'd just beat it out of me. Well it didn't work as you see. 

Two: I told willow once about everything that had been happening in my life since I was old enough to remember. About the abuse my father had done, about my mother just ignoring it all, and you know what willow did, she laughed at me and told me to stop making stories up to get attention my parents were lovely people they would never dream of raising a hand to me. Can you believe that the one person I trusted and opened up to about my life and she laughs at me! We had been best friends since we were five. It hurt like hell when she laughed it still does, we're still friends but I can't ever trust her with something so personal again. 

Three: Everyone sees me as the zeppo, as a big nothing, that when I do something noticeable, everyone looks at me like I've gone off my rocker. When I show something other then the 'clown' then they simply assume I've been possessed. Never being accepted for how I really am. 

For some reason I can't even tell him the reason why I can't tell him how I feel, every-time I try to tell him, every-time I try to say 'I'm afraid to tell you okay!' something inside me stops the words from coming out. And every time it comes up I'm forced to change the subject. 

It just seems like my whole life every time I open up I end up getting hurt so now I'm too afraid. Sometimes I actually believe I can trust him but then I remember all the other times I've trusted some one and all the times I've been hurt. 

Once again I show the ability for my mind to wonder. 

"What's on your mind?" 

"Nothing."  
  
"I love you, you know that?" I look away from him not able to look at his face as he questions, and asks all kinds of things with his eyes. 

"Considering you keep telling me yeah." 

"Is that a problem?"  
  
My head shoots up and looks directly into his eyes "What! Nono it's not a problem." 

"Do youdo you love me?" YES, YES, YES! I love you with everything in me Angel. Now if only I could make the sounds come out. If only you could read my mind. 

"II've got to get ready for the Scooby meeting." Okay I started it that time at least. 

"Xander there isn't a meeting today. What were you going to say?" 

"Ijust have to leave." I pull my self out of his grasp; his fingers Staying on my skin, leaving tingles were they once were as I pull away. I grab some sweats and pull them on not looking in his direction at all but I can feel his eyes on me, looking into me. 

"Why are you running?" He asks me as if it's the simplest question in the world, like he expects me to be able to tell him why. 

"I'm not running, I have to go I have work in a few hours." 

"Xander stop lying you don't work today, just stop lying and stop running and talk to me please." 

"I can't I just need some time alone Angel." I head for the door 

"I love you." 

I begin to open the bedroom door when his voice stops me. 

"You can't say it, can you? You feel it but you can't say it." 

"I don't know what you are talking about Angel." 

"Love Xander I'm talking about love, you love me and yet you can't say it." 

I hesitate before answering. My eyes frozen on the door knob, voices in my head yell at me.  
  
_Run, go, leave.' _

Stay, tell him.' 

"Maybe I don'tmaybe your wrong." 

"No you do. I see it every time you look me in the eyes, I felt it this morning when we first woke up, it's a part of me. Why can't you tell me how you feel? Don't you trust me?" 

"I do trust you, I trust you with me life." 

"But not your love." 

"You said it yourself, you said you can see it when I look you in the eyes, you said it's a part of you. You already know." 

"But I want to hear it, I want to hear you say it, hear you tell me." 

"I can't AngelI'm sorry." 

"Maybe you don't love me after all. Maybe this is all pointless, maybe we should just end this now before someone gets any more hurt then they already are goodbye Xander it's beenjust leave." 

I instantly turn around and look at him not believing what I heard, it must be wrong. It can't be true can it? He can't break up with me. 

"You're breaking up with me because I can't say some phrase that is said too often between people who don't mean it?" 

"What other choice do I have Xander, you obviously can't commit to me, to us, to this relationship. We've wasted 2 years of our lives why waste any more time on something that has no chance. Now get your things and get out." 

Oh god I think I'm going to break down. I have to be hearing things this can't be happing. It feels like my bones are crushing inside me, my stomach feels like its one big knot, I feel like I'm about to cry but nothing is coming out of my eyes, my throat feels tight I can't breath. I think I'm going to be sick. 

"Get out Xander. Goleave." I look at his eyes they are glassy like he is about to cry, why oh god. The next thing I know I'm running out of the room, running out of the house, running out of his life. 

The life I used to dream of when I was a kid, the love I would dream of. 

I run so much I don't know where I am running to, I finally fall down in some street some where and lose all substance which was in my stomach all over the pavement. Leaving me heaving, my empty stomach looking for something else to lose. My mind keeps saying no, no, no. Not wanting to accept the truth, the truth of it's over.

~ Fins ~

~be kind and review~

   [1]: mailto:loopy_1981@yahoo.com



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